BONUS EPISODE 6: Losing Confidence as a Manager?
Listener Letter 6: The Manipulative Report Who Broke My Confidence
What happens when someone uses the language of mental health, not to seek support, but to avoid accountability? What if their patterns of emotional manipulation not only erode your confidence as a manager but leave you terrified to lead again?
In this week’s Listener Letter, Faisa writes in to share a story that many empathetic managers will find hauntingly familiar. It’s the story of trying to lead with care, only to have that care weaponised against you. From gaslighting and triangulation to weaponised vulnerability, this episode explores the subtle yet destructive behaviours that leave even the strongest leaders questioning their instincts.
What are Listener Letters?
In our Narcissism At Work podcast series, we launched the Listener Letters bonus episodes to create space for the stories that often go untold. These are real, anonymised letters from the Other Box community, recounting deeply personal experiences of narcissistic abuse in the workplace. Each letter is read aloud and followed by insights from clinical psychologist Dr. Daksha Hirani, who helps unpack the behaviours, provides validation, and offers tools for recovery.
These episodes are for anyone who has ever felt confused, gaslit, or silenced in a work setting and thought, "Was it really that bad?" Spoiler: It probably was.
Why We’re Talking About It
In a world that praises “trauma-informed” leadership, many managers are left unprepared for what happens when wellness language is weaponised. This episode is a crucial exploration of how manipulative behaviours can hide behind vulnerability, and why even the most well-meaning leaders can feel blindsided, gaslit, or broken down by a direct report who refuses to be held accountable.
Episode Themes:
1. Emotional Manipulation + Weaponised Vulnerability
Faisa describes the impossible double-bind of supporting a team member who used their struggles to deflect feedback, avoid deadlines, and undermine her authority. Attempts at structure were labelled as micromanagement. Personal disclosures were followed by public accusations of being unsupported.
2. Gaslighting and Narrative Control
The employee would make private complaints, then later befriend the same colleagues and spin a new version of events, positioning the manager as the villain. This created confusion, isolation, and deep doubt within the team.
3. Fear of Speaking Up as a Manager
Faisa articulates something rarely named: the fear that calling out manipulative behaviour might be perceived as sabotage, especially when dealing with a junior woman. It’s a potent reflection on gender dynamics, power, and internalised guilt.
4. Loss of Confidence and Burnout in Leadership
What begins as support ends in emotional exhaustion. Faisa describes how this single relationship made her question her ability to lead, and left her dreading even basic tasks like giving feedback or asking for updates.
Insight from Dr. Daksha Hirani
Dr. Daksha unpacks the concept of weaponised incompetence, where someone leverages perceived vulnerability to avoid accountability. She explains how narcissistic traits can manifest in direct reports, including gaslighting, narrative shifting, and emotional baiting.
Her key takeaways include:
Reconnecting to your core leadership values: anchoring your decisions in what kind of leader you want to be.
Differentiating between true compassion and unjustified guilt: recognising when your empathy is being exploited.
The power of documentation: keeping detailed records of underperformance, impact, and interactions can protect both your role and your well-being.
Trusting your body’s signals: If you feel anxious or unsafe, it’s because something is wrong. Honour those cues.
This isn’t about being harsh but instead, clear, caring, and boundaried.
Why It Matters
Faisa’s story highlights something vital: leadership burnout doesn’t always come from overwork, it often comes from emotional harm. And for many women, especially those in positions of power over younger staff, the fear of being labelled cold, sabotaging, or “difficult” can keep them silent, while the abuse continues.
By naming this dynamic, we take a step toward reclaiming leadership that is values-led and boundary-driven.
This episode is for you if…
You’ve felt manipulated, gaslit, or confused by a direct report
You’ve lost confidence in your ability to lead
You’ve questioned whether you’re being “too harsh”
You’re trying to practice trauma-informed leadership, but feel it's being used against you
You want to rebuild your confidence and lead from clarity, not fear
Resources & Further Support
Listen to all episodes: otherbox.co/podcast
Learn more about narcissism, burnout, and protective tools in our Diversity Dictionary course: otherbox.co/education
Subscribe, share, and rate the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Acast or wherever you listen.
Whether you’re just starting to question a toxic dynamic or deep into your healing, we hope this podcast helps you name it, understand it, and start to heal from it. Because work should work for you.
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Narcissism At Work podcast is out now and is available wherever you listen to your podcasts. Check out our resources page here for support. Sign up to our newsletter to keep up to date with Other Box.
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